Decoys

You know another really good thing guy friends are good for? Playing the decoy.

Every girl has been hit on or leered at by a creepy guy in the bar, or just out in public. This is where the guy friend steps in and wraps his arms around his female friend in a huge hug, or simply puts an arm around her shoulders. It lets the creeper know that she is unavailable for his amorous advances. 

If he is a good guy friend, it takes one pleading look or cringe from his female friend for him to know to take action. 

If its a guy friend like Puffy, it takes begging and the sight of the creeper kissing the girl's cross necklace to jump in and run interference... I have wonderful friends, don't I? (I actually do. If I don't pick on them once in a while, they'll think I don't care.)

In all seriousness, I have seen most of my guy friends do this for my girl friends (and even myself on occasion) and it makes me love them more. 

In a small way, this is where chivalry has gone: rushing in to save the maiden with no other reason than she needs saving. It doesn't have to lead to anything more serious and it doesn't have to mean anything more than the guy being a good guy and helping a girl out when she needs it.

My feminist sisters, sit down and unbunch your panties. I'm not saying that these girls NEED saving or that they can't save themselves. Sometimes, it's just easier and less embarrassing for all involved for a "boyfriend" to be there to deter unwanted attention. It's also handy if the guy won't take "no" for an answer. A "boyfriend" usually forces them to take the "no" or risk gratuitous violence ensuing.

I got to witness this a few times tonight. I was out with a few friends and Lacy* was receiving some unwanted attention. All it took was a hug from our friend Jayne* and the guy went on his way. Easy-peasy, lemon-squeezy.

Ladies, I hope you all have a guy friend willing to do this for you.

Gents, I hope you are the kind of guy who is willing to do this for the ladies in your life.

Plus, who doesn't want a free hug from a friend once in a while?

Oh, and ladies, don't be afraid to help a guy out with this, too. It doesn't happen very often that a guy is not open to the attention of a female, but if he is, jump in and save him. Just tread lightly. You don't need me to tell you that there are crazy chicks out there who will see you as competition for "their" man. If this happens, you have three options: 

1) grab your friend and bail (run from crazy-bitch!)

2) walk and let him deal with her on his own

3) have him hold your earrings while you beat some sense into her

I wouldn't recommend #3 unless you are: A) sure that you can win, B) not get arrested, and C) your guy friend will pay you back with something equal or twice the value as a crazy-bitch beat down.

A Social Experiment

A few weeks ago, Cricket*, a female coworker, and I were trading stories about male customers who can't seem to trust our answers about guns and ammo because we are women. One of the guys actually coined a phrase for it: "penis confirmation". 

Every single woman in the department has been a victim of it. The interactions range from a man asking a question and quasi-stealthily finding a guy to ask also all the way to a man asking a female employee a question, then completely walking away from her to ask a guy before she can finish her answer. I even had a customer ask me to give the phone to "one of the guys because they'll know the answer."

Now, I have never thought this to be the brightest idea that a man has ever had, you know, since we work with guns and all that. 

Well, Sven*, one of the gun counter guys, had a brilliant idea while he was listening to Cricket and I bitch about penis confirmation: make it so that there was one day that only women were scheduled in the department and see what the male customers would do.

Needless to say, we loved the idea and rounded up the ladies to get on board with the idea. Then, we put it to the scheduler. She loved it too, and made it happen. (We didn't want to tell anybody with real power because we were afraid they'd shut us down, but our manager found out and thought it was hilarious. I don't think anybody told the store manager though, but there's different reasons there.)

Well, when the day arrived, we all waited excitedly for 5pm to roll around so we could say goodbye to the guys and start our experiment (I'll admit, we called it that because it sounds nicer and more professional than just wanting to screw with our customer's heads). It was a Tuesday, so foot traffic was slow... and we didn't get the reaction we hoped for. There were a few men who looked around in some slight confusion, but there were no penis confirmation moments, much to our disappointment.

Although, we did find out that we all work really well together as a team and got more done as a department than we normally do. I guess, in our case, it's the boys who bring the drama and the girls who get shit done. (J/k... kinda....they know I love them).

I think the general consensus was that we want to keep trying our "experiment" to see of we can finally get the reaction we are hoping for.

We're cruel, I know but...

"Hell hath no fury...."

Potty Breaks

One of the biggest questions that men have about women is: "Why do women go to the bathroom in groups?"

Do you really want the answer? Ok. Here it is.

I have no flipping idea... But I have some theories.

1) They are afraid of getting eaten by monsters/being accosted by creepers on their way to/from the bathroom. ~safety in numbers~

2) They need to gush about the hotties.

3) They need to bitch about the creepers.

4) They need somebody to hold their drink, coat, purse, hair, etc. while they use the toilet.

5) They're incapable of peeing in public alone. (I've never understood this one... Or how more than one person can fit inside a bathroom stall. Is it bigger-on-the-inside technology?! I mean, seriously! How does that work?!)

6) They need a look-out while they're behind the van in the alley. (This one actually makes sense to me. Just watch your shoes.)

There's probably more, but these are the ones I've been exposed to with my friends who drag me to the bathroom with them. 

They have been escalated to rule status with some girls. And the talking is not limited to the time spent outside of the stall. If you are stall neighbors, the conversation continues. Which is awesome when the stranger next to you is on the phone and you don't know it so you answer them and then there's an awkward moment later at the sink........

*shudder* Anywho.

Guys have two rules for bathroom time that I know of:

1) No eye contact.

2) No talking.

Now, I tend to go with the guy set of rules. I go alone and I try to not talk to anybody when I'm in the stall unless its unavoidable... But I can't disagree with these:

As much as I love my boys....

There's nothing like spending time with my girl friends. 

This weekend, we are celebrating the wedding of my friend Kami and Matt and I get to have most of my college friends in one place for the first time in over 2 years. Aside for the fact that we are telling what's new in our lives, it's like no time has passed since graduating oh so many years ago.

Jamie, Amanda, Randi, Becky (Shortstack), and I (Kami not pictured as she was busy getting married)

Hanging out with the boys is fun and uncomplicated, but there's nothing like being with your best friends, bitching about those same uncomplicated boys like they're impossible puzzles. We are also not the kind of girls who just talk about guys (thank God). We tell crude jokes, make fun of each other, and make entirely too much noise... So it's kind of like hanging out with the guys.

Emily and I

Jessi and I

Hell Week

In the past few weeks, the boss man decided to hire three more females for our department, which is great, because they are rather awesome... But this is causing some problems for the guys.

Namely, what many of them are calling "Hell Week". 

That wonderful miracle of nature that causes women's cycles to sync when they spend a lot of time together. The guys are waiting for that wonderful week when all 6 of us are PMSing at the same time and they will duck and cover or head for the hills.

Of course the phrase "Sorry, it's just not natural for something to bleed for 5-7 days and not die" has already been heard a few times. The guys just need to put on they're big girl panties and deal with it. We have to put up with them when they PMS (and guys do! Look it up! There's 5-7 days a month where men's hormones shift and they have more estrogen than normal and it makes them crabby) and they are worse than us, by far!

All of us females are mature and know how to handle PMS, but we are also human. Once in a while, we might lose control and stab someone in a hormone induced rage (or in extreme cases: rip someone's head off), but that's no reason for the guys to be afraid. Is it?

Many of us are working to be proactive. One gal downloaded the iPeriod app on her phone, while I plan to beat my crabbiness into submission with Ibuprofen, chocolate, and wine.

We're chicks. We PMS. We bleed. We eat chocolate. 

We get over it.

You guys should, too.

Besties: An Ode to Doctor/Donna

We are constantly surrounded by guys and girls being friends in movies and books, and there are some awesome pairings out there that really tell you what it's really like to be best friends with somebody of the opposite sex: Harry and Sally (which ended in sex), Harry and Hermione (didn't end in sex), Mal and Zoe (didn't end in sex either), and Puffy and me (we're not in a movie or a book, but by God we're entertaining and one of my favorite mixed-sex friend pairs. Oh and no sex for us either, duh.) but my favorite has to be the 10th Doctor and Donna.

A little back story: The doctor had just lost Rose, the woman he loved. Martha walked away from him because she couldn't handle being friend-zoned by him. Donna was the friend who helped him get over both. 

She loved and respected him, but she had a great way of keeping him grounded and reminding him that while he might be the only person who can save the world, he's not the most important person in the universe. She made him laugh, saved his ass more than once, and when something bad happened asked "what are WE gong to do" not what was HE going to do. She was also the only companion who wasn't head-over-heels for the Doctor.

Their friendship wasn't a one way street either. He tried to show her new things but let her decide her way. He also was constantly trying to get her to see her own worth when she doubted herself (which was almost always). He loved her and appreciated her for what she was.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AmSWu35rwh4&feature=youtube_gdat

(The link above has some fun Doctor and Donna moments. While I don't think "Accidentally In Love" was a great musical pick for these two, its still a good video.)

I loved their relationship because watching them, you get the feeling that in all of his 900 years, he had never met somebody like her before. To Donna, the Doctor wasn't this awe-inspiring being who was the destroyer of worlds or the oncoming storm. He was her friend who didn't back down from her temper, sassed her back, and needed to be knocked down a peg once in a while. 

You can often tell, just with his expressions, that she was unique in his world. He wasn't used to being sassed, talked back to, and looked at with anything but awe and admiration. And Donna had no problem doing all of the above. He didn't know what to make of her most of the time which made him appreciate her that much more. 

This made them so much fun to watch. (And relate to... Or is that just me?)

Mixed Company!!

I think I said that about 20 times at work today. Normally I'm ok with the sexual innuendoes flying around (hell, I usually contribute to them) but today, the guys were in rare form. The comments were getting a little ridiculous and, while not making me uncomfortable, I felt like the guys needed a good dose of situational awareness.

Example: Strax* said he hated the local favorite Chinese restaurant. When Carlos* asked him why, Strax said because he had a bad meal there once. Both Carlos and I tried to convince him that he needed to try it again because they had awesome food. Then Carlos decided to use an analogy: it's like this, you don't stop liking vagina because you see a bad one. You just forget the bad one and move on to better vagina.

I yelled "mixed company!" before he could continue and then both Strax and I asked him why, of all the things in the world he could of used, did he pick that analogy? I don't think we ever got an answer.

I think they honestly forget that I'm female sometimes.

Rebound, Field goal, Whatever

Since matters of love are giving me heartburn lately and, here I am all out of Tums, lets discuss something else, shall we?

Sports.

As many of the girls in the room shudder (and one does a lovely dramatic faint) at the topic, I say "oh shut it!"

Sports are not my forte, never have been. Given the chance to watch a football game on Sunday or read a book, 10 times out of 10 you'll find me with my nose buried between those pages and in my own little world... but that doesn't mean I don't enjoy a game when I have to. 

I was in the marching band and pep band all four years of high school and then in college so I have participated in my fair share of football and basketball heckling. I have yelled ridiculous things to get a player to miss a free throw (my proudest pep band moment was making a player miss when I yelled "your shoes are pretty!!") and spelled out "bra" when we needed our defensive line to hold 'em... But I don't think sports are the thing worth living for. 

Not hating on those who do, I just don't get it.

Unless you're talking rugby, then I totally understand. Rugby is a culture all on its own, based on the love of the game and being around others who feel the same way. Ruggers will spend 80 minutes tackling their own teammates who are playing with the other team because the other team didn't have enough players for a game... Then eat, drink, and mingle with that same opposing team like they were family.

I totally didn't mean to make this a rugby thing, sorry. Back to the topic.*

Now, I have no idea where I was going with this... ummm

Sports!

When it comes to watching them on the t.v. or actually going to them, being there in the crowd wins, hands down (Except golf. They tend to frown on napping on the green and that's all watching golf is good for). The energy, the comradery of the fans, the hotdogs and beer, and the fact that everybody from Dad to Preacher Dan to Grandma can act like they have Turrets and nobody will look at them twice, all make for a unique experience that you will never be able to find anywhere else on earth.  

I like being in the stands, or on the sidelines, or at the concession stand getting a beer and screaming for the player to run or shoot or block like my support and advice is going to affect how well or poorly they play. Plus, it's always fun to see the surprise on the stranger's face next to you when you scream something like "support!" "ball's out!" and "ruck!" and actually know what's going on.

Now that we're all confused as to what this was supposed to be about, let me offer some advice that you will gradually notice as a theme to this blog: 

Somethings might be labeled as a "guy thing", sports being one of them, but it doesn't mean you, as a lady, have to shy away from them. Hell, you might even discover that you like watching sports, be it hockey, water polo, or quidditch. If you try it and don't like it, that's cool too. No judgements here since I'm probably just reading a book while there's a game on somewhere.

*Contact Puffy if you are interested in learning more or want to join a team. Rugby: the hooligan's sport played by gentlemen. Plug over.

The Curse of the Friendzone

The "friend zone" is an interesting phenomenon that has exploded across pop culture in the past few years. While, I'm sure, it dates back to the dawn of humans, it hasn't really held a place in our culture previously like it does now.

The friend zone is where a male and a female (and other variations on this depending on your sexual orientation) meet, fall in mutual friendliness, and the feelings stop there... For only one person. The feelings grow into "like" or even "love" for one of the people while they continue to be friends with the object of their affection, pining for the return of their love and (usually) never getting it. 

This may not be the best explanation of it but hey, I work with what I have. You don't like it, go check out one of the million songs, movies, or books using this premise for dramatic affect. 

Now, I've been friend-zoned (the action of the person you like putting you solidly in the friend column) more than I care to think about (I'm writing a blog about being surrounded by guy friends if it gives you any indication of how many times I've been friend-zoned). I'm the Vice President of the Kearney chapter of Friend-zoned Anonymous, we meet every Wednesday at the bar, bring your own chocolate. 

Now, this topic comes up because of my friend Carlos*. He is one of those guys who has a million gal-friends because he's funny, affectionate, in touch with his feelings, etc. Well, due to this, he has friend-zoned a good number of the girls (not me, because we aren't like that, if u were wondering. strictly friends with us lol) in his following because he wasn't into them, which is perfectly acceptable (kind of) to most girls, as long as the guy they like is single. Well, hell breaks loose and the claws come out when the guy finally finds a girl he really likes like my buddy Carlos just did. Now he has all of these girls calling him an asshole because he didn't want them.

Being friend-zoned is not anybody's fault and is not necessarily a bad thing. A guy can't help if he doesn't return your feelings or if a girl says she wants a guy just like you but not you. As many people in bad relationships and bad movies will tell you, you can't help who you love (and conversely: who you don't love).

Now, for it not being such a bad thing... It sucks. It is one of the worst feelings of your life when you realize that the love and affection you have for somebody important in your life will never be returned, especially after months, if not years, of hoping and over-analyzing every word, every look, every laugh that asshole gave you and knowing that you are the much better person than the bitch he is currently dating... Ok got off track there, sorry. 

VP here talking from experience, it blows, but you will get over it. You will realize that he/she is better as a friend than they would be as your significant other and you will grow up a little, become a better person for it... Until it happens again, because it inevitably will. And you know what? You will walk away from that one also.

Finally (hoping with fingers crossed) you will meet the man/woman who may have friend-zoned other worthy women/men because he/she was waiting for you.

I haven't had it happen yet (because I'm repulsive to men) but hey, I'm a sucker for happy endings and it might as well be yours.

*name has been changed to keep him from giving me crap for writing about him.

Your Guy-friends' Girlfriends

Looking back at past posts, I spent a lot of time lamenting the fact that one of my guy-friends (I guess, ex-guy-friend now) has a crazy girlfriend (now fiancé) who doesn't want me in his life. Well, that's only ONE of the guys in my life.

For example: I have been good friends with my buddy Jayne* for a few years. About a year ago, he started dating this girl, Vira*. I was a little worried, based on my past experience, but I was willing to give her the benefit of a doubt. Glad I did. Vira turned out to be a super cool, funny, laid-back lady who actually liked me and wanted me around. It is actually to the point that Jayne is well aware that if they break up, I'm keeping her too and he is just going to have to deal with it.

Example #2: We all know and love Puffy. He has had multiple dealings/relationships in the years that we have been friends, and while a few of them see the florist in the ink blot once in a while, none of them had a problem with Puffy and I being so close... As far as I know.

Tres: Not sure if this fits exactly but I'll add it just because. My friend Rosie* is engaged to an awesome dude, Sam*. Now I was friends with Rosie before I even met Sam but she is totally ok with him and I being friends... Hell, she encouraged it. They were one of the couples that Puffy pulled my "Home-wrecker" nickname out for a joke.

And my other guy friends who have cool girlfriends like Howard* and Bernadette* who I never get to see since they moved to Denver or Marshall* and Lilly* (Lilly freaking loves me and I love her) they know that they're guys are to be trusted. They also made an effort to befriend me and learn that I am no threat to their relationship. 

So listen up ladies, take it from somebody who knows, I love my boys and I want to see them happy. If you make them happy 100% then you and I will get along just great. You won't have to worry about me and I wont worry about you. But if you start seeing more than florists in those ink blots and kick me out of their lives, we're going to have problems. 

*Names have been changed to protect the (not so) innocent.