Just Call Me Annie Oakley

There is nothing sexier to me than a good looking man using a weapon, be it gun, sword, or atlatl. It may seem under-evolved and less-than-modern, but that's how I roll. It's lucky for me that I sell guns for a living and have lots of guy friends who like "shooting shit."

But while I enjoy watching men be all manly, I like to join in the fun, too.

Today, I went shooting with the guys. It was just supposed to be Puffy, Joey, my friend Mark, and I, but Mark couldn't make it and Joey invited our friends Ivan, Chris, Laura, and Riley. So it was quite a party.

It may or may not be necessary to say, but I was the only female there who knew much of anything about guns so I got to play with the boys instead of standing around and watching.


Hell, I even own my own guns so I didn't have to borrow the boys's toys.



Ms. Rita Skeeter: She's a picky, noisy bitch.



Ruger 10/22 that I stole from my dad... It's mine now!



Doesn't mean I don't borrow their guns on occasion. I love Rugers and both Puffy and Joey have Ruger pistols which I shoot every chance I get.

Ginger: Puffy's SR9C

The Hand Cannon: Joey's P345

We traded off shooting pistols and rifles. We had a couple .22s and Puffy's .30-06 along with Joey's SKS (which I have been wanting to try out since he bought it and I may need to buy one, too. It was FUN to shoot.) We also shot blue rock, trading the three shotguns between the four guys and me. I think we need to go shooting blue rock more (I'll probably have to steal my dad's shot gun, too.) because I think I only hit 3 or 4 clays out of the probably 10-15 that I shot at.

Puffy thought it would be funny to make Laura and Riley shoot his shotgun (a single shot that is half mule if how it kicks is any indicator) without full disclosure on how bad the kick is. Poor girls. I chuckled with the guys but the memory of my first time shooting it is too fresh to really enjoy it.

I did shoot the damn thing too many times tonight, though. My shoulder hurts so bad right now.

More Girliness

As one of the "guys" (something that was reconfirmed by Puffy tonight when an impending fight with Greg-another guy in our group who said he couldn't hit a chick and Puffy tried to help... I guess), they tend to forget that I am a chick who has female thoughts once in a while... although I try to keep them locked up deep inside my head.

Most people know where chick-thoughts tend to lead: overanalyzing every tiny thing, messed up logic that nobody understands but other girls pretend to for the sake of sisterhood... and other things that escape me.

Anywho, I forgot where I was going with this (probably due to the vodka, nom nom)... The following blog post was discovered by my bestie, Jessi and I felt like there were probably other females in the world who know exactly how it feels and it's something that I think that guys should probably be made aware of.

Girl's Got Shine: What to do

As much as I hate to admit to myself, let alone an entire Internet world full of people, but I have been there, done that, have the T-shirt.

It sucked.

After some soul-searching and a "Coming to Jesus" talk with myself, I finally got over it. Might have been the chicken move, but we're better friends now than we ever have been... probably because I'm not so freaking stressed and neurotic around him.

It seems to be a risk of guys and girls being friends... If you have any questions, watch "When Harry Met Sally." It's not 100% right, but it does explain some of this phenomon.

Old Codgers

Just throwing this out there... Old Codgers love me.... and I love them.

For those of you who don't know what an Old Codger is, I will enlighten you. An Old Codger is an old man who usually has more than three of the following qualities: a) grumpy most of the time, b) a dirty old man, c) a story-telling old man, d) a great sense of humor, e) a wealth of information, f) dry wit, g) loud.

Working at a "guy store" with a bunch of guys, working in a predominatly male department (one other girl), I work with my fair share of Old Codgers... and I love every minute of it. They tease me, they answer my questions, they have the best dirty jokes, and more than a few of them treat me like a daughter. They make fun of women just to get a rise out of me but are more than happy to help me when I ask. They defend me when its needed but are more than willing to poke fun of me when they get the chance. We even spend some of our free time at work trading innuendos and quips naughty enough to make a hooker blush.

For example, I just heard this one last night: "Let's make like our butcher shop is on fire......... Grab our meat and beat it!"

(There are some men out there who would qualify as an Old Codger, but are uber creepy. In my book, the creepiness factor cancels out the Old Codger title and puts them into the "creepy old man" catagory. I am not a fan of the creepy old man, many of whom I deal with on a regular basis.)

How many 25 year old girls in this day in age, have a goal of drinking a few beers and hanging out with coworkers over twice her age?

Probably not many, but most of them don't have the appreciation and affection for Old Codgers that I do.

Oh, Jessica

Well, tonight, like most Thursday nights, was interesting to say the least.

Thursday means karaoke at our favorite bar, Lumbergs, (If you ever find yourself in Kearney, head to Lumbergs. Best bartenders in town! Tell them that I sent you.) which also means that I find myself sitting at a table full of guys, being "entertained" by their possibly (probably) untrue stories of conquest and other ridiculousness. I am usually the only XX chromosomer at the table until my friend Jessica shows up, then I have someone to talk to, leaving the boys to their own devices.

While I love Jessica, she tends to make the boys uncomfortable with some of her topics of conversation (which I find very humorous and uncomfortable at the same time).

Well, tonight, her mission was to wingman for me. I was not a very active participant since I was happy sitting in my corner and drinking my vodka. Although, I did go off on my friend Brett for not helping me find a guy, when I spend a lot of time helping them with the ladies. (I mean, isn't one of the perks of having guy friends being introduced to their guy friends?! ...And having backup in a fight? Hey, hold my earrings! Sorry, ADD.) When her initial mission failed, we decided to park ourselves at the bar and chit-chat. We were soon joined by Joey.... poor guy had no idea what was in store for him.

Jessica suddenly asked him "If you were gay, what would your type be?"

Joey was speechless for a few moments so Jessica and I decided to help by throwing out famous guys who we thought were attractive. I also decided to try to help by saying who I'd go gay for (Emma Stone and Keira Knightly are at the top of my list if anybody wants to know). This line of conversation got us virtually nowhere until we got him to admit that the guy couldn't be more muscular than him... then the conversation was dead in the water.

When that failed, Jessica went back to her original mission and recruited Joey in "finding a husband for Katherine." To which Joey asked what my type was. "Fluffy and Scruffy and taller than me" I said.

Joey pointed out the one guy in the bar who was not fluffy or scruffy but was taller than me... While I appreciate his contribution, I don't even want to think of the can of worms this opened.

Excerpt

The following is an exxerpt from my as-of-yet untitled second novel. It is very simular to many conversations that I have had with my guy friends in the past. Enjoy.

“What’s so funny?” Leander asked as he dropped a huge bowl full of brownies, cookies, and ice cream on the table.

“That better be to share.” Kinga said, eyeing the river of melted ice cream that was spilling over the side and onto the table. “I don’t think your uniform can handle you eating all of that on your own.” She reached over and pinched his side to emphasize her point.

“Oy! My uniform fits just right and yes, it is to share!” Leander said as he threw three spoons onto the table.

Theseus laughed again as he grabbed a spoon and dug in. “Thanks, guys! I can always count on you to make me laugh!”

“And to point out good scenery!” Leander said as he motioned with his head to a large group of female cadets who had just entered the mess hall. “Hello, ladies!”

All conversation ceased as Leander and Theseus stared as the newcomers went through the line and sat at a table near them.

“You guys are pigs.” Kinga said with a chuckle that was half amused and half disgusted. “I’m going to go talk with Orencio…” When she got no response she continued. “Start a food fight or possibly have sex with Ivan. Let me know when your hormones stop thinking for you.”

Kinga shook her head when they did not respond to what she said as she walked away.

“Did she just say she was going to have sex with Ivan?” Leander asked, distractedly.

“Yeah, on the food table, I think.” Theseus said as he took another bite of ice cream.

“What?” Leander pulled his attention away from the table of women to look around. “Where is she?”

Theseus smiled slyly at his friend. “Worried that she’s actually with Ivan?”

“Why would I care if she’s with him? Except for the fact that he’s a dick.” Leander dug into the bowl of sweets with gusto.

Girly Stuff

Every once in a while, I do something girly and I love the reaction the guys have.

The first time I really noticed this was one day when I was drying my hair and Pufffy walked by my open doorway. Out of the corner of my eye I saw him stop, back up, and stare at me with a confused look on his face. I calmly (with just a little laugh) told him that I was just drying my hair and asked why he confused. He simply shook his head and kept walking.

The next event that really sticks out in my mind was when I sat in the living room with Puffy and Joey watching T.V. and decided to do my nails. I took out my polish remover, file, and new nail polish. I sat there absentmindedly removing my old polish and filing my nails when I had the feeling of being watched. I turned and saw both of the guys were watching me with a combined look of confusion and surprise.

Sometimes I think they forget that I'm a girl and girly things catch them off guard.

I do play my girl card once in a while. The last time involved cute shoes and walking father than what was comfortable in them. I, of course complained, and Joey said the typical guy "well, why did you wear them?" response. I came back with the typical girl "because they're cute!" response, to which he just rolled his eyes.

Drunky McDrunkerson

I am sitting here watching a movie and listening to my own Drunky McDrunkerson yell profanities at the T.V. for making him think and fall off the couch.... now he wants to elbow drop the T.V., something I don't think Puffy would particularly enjoy since its his T.V. I actually had to shut the T.V. off to prevent this.

This all has made me realize that my friends would probably be dead without me. Ok, that might have been a little dramatic, but lately, I'm beginning to think it's close to the truth.

I often find myself the mom of the group, especially when we're drinking. Like to the point of being obnoxious. No matter how drunk I get, I'm usually more sober than anybody else so I make sure that everybody has somewhere to sleep or finds their way home, check on the guys when they're throwing up, and pass out glasses of water like its going out of style.

Tonight was no different, except for the fact that I wasn't drinking at all, wasn't planning on going out to the bar in the first place, and it's a freaking blizzard outside turning a 10 minute trip across town into 30.

I love my guys so it kind of scares me to think of what would happen if they didn't have somebody to babysit them when they get like this. I'm hoping that they will eventually grow out of the 12 hour benders and the booze cruising to Grand Island and back, but I plan on sticking around to make sure I do all in my power to keep them from following in the tragic footsteps of Chris Farley and Mitch Headburg... the dying before their time thing, not the drug thing.

Drunky update: he's now snoring away, making it seem like there is a lumberjack sawing two feet away from me... sad to say, it's an improvement from the yelling.

Housekeeping

I have come to realize that most guys don't care what their surroundings are as long as there is a comfortable place to sit, a T.V., food, and beer. They can (and have) endured hours, days, weeks, and months (I'm hoping not years) of living in stys with no complaint. You just have to peek into many of their apartments to realize how gross they can be... (Joey, this means you.)

This works to my advantage.

I am not the best of housekeepers. I mean, I don't have moldy dishes in the sink for months at a time and shit all over the floor, but today was the second good cleaning that the Lair (my apartment) has gotten since the thorough cleaning it got when we moved in. And yet, the Lair is still the main gathering place for my friends. Hell, they drop in unannounced and spend the night most weekends.

It's probably because I feed them on a regular basis.